Open Sesame

still not dilated.

time for some ron jeremy action.

in the event that she doesn't go into labor before then, we're scheduled to go into the hospital next wednesday and they'll induce her. that seems a bit long to me ... but the doc probably knows what he's talking about. extra womb time's not the worst thing in the world, as long as hannah doesn't get distressed or anything.

sigh.

Rollin' In My Six Fo'

so far none of your labor-inducing magic tricks have worked. i have to say, i'm really disappointed in you people. it's all your fault.

just kidding. but seriously, she's still pregnant. i think, whether she likes the idea or not, i will take her out to the golf course this afternoon and ride her around over the bumps in the cart. if not, i'll go out and get a '64 chevy impala with hydraulics and bounce her all around healdsburg. it's her choice. one or the other.

she has a doctor's appointment this morning, so i'll probably have an update after that.

Let's Get This Party Started

on thursday, we had another false alarm. kimmy came downstairs and told me she thought that her water had broken, and she, her mom, and i headed to the doctor's office since we already had an appointment that morning.

to make a long story short, her water hadn't broken, and it had something to do with her cervix effacing or something like that.

so, we've taken it upon ourselves to kick this thing into gear ... to get this party started.

i'm making kimmy walk up and down the stairs ... joanne took her for a walk in our neighborhood park ... we've fed her raspberries and pickled beets ... put her in a bubble bath ... and driven over bumpy roads. i've also gone golfing, since i heard somewhere that a husband hitting golf balls three miles away has been scientifically shown to help induce labor.

i really think we're going to close the deal tomorrow. it's her due date, after all. aren't those supposed to be exact???

Audience Participation Quiz: have you heard of any surefire tricks we can use to trick kimmy into labor? any special dietary ideas? special dances we can have her do? pagan rituals? any particular nipple stimulation techniques i can be using (pictures welcome)?

Standing Guard

"lah di dah. waitin around. mommy and daddy tell me i have a little sister coming. i'll just park my butt right here by the belly, watch the game on tv, and wait."

Birth Announcement

our moms are going, "excuse me?!"

actually, alexis just called ... they had a baby boy yesterday morning at their home. he's healthy and perfect, 7 pounds 1 ounce and 20 inches long.

she sounds great, and totally happy. what a trip. alexis is a mom.

she's talking to kimmy right now, giving her the low-down. hopefully telling her that it's not that bad, and it goes really quick.

now between him, carson and jacob, hannah already has three suitors. we'll take applications on her 18th birthday.

Okay, Okay ... I've Been Delinquent

i remember the days before there ever was an "ian's blog sucks," when there was only ian's blog, which sucked.

i used to make fun of him and leave comments when he went two days without a new post. today, i stand humbly before you and beg your forgiveness for my own blog-related shortcomings.

it's hard, though. some days i just don't feel like i have anything to say that you'd be interested in hearing. but who am i kidding? seriously ... reading this blog has got to be the highlight of your day.

so you want an update? here's what's gone down this week:

• kimmy had her doctor's appointment on tuesday, and later we had a scare of sorts that had us packing up the car and ready to head to the hospital. long story short, no big deal, and it ended up being the first of our "false alarms." i was honestly pretty excited though ... since for a second it seemed for a short while like we might be hours away from parenthood. patience, grasshopper.
• i've been busy with work, and am involved in some very exciting projects ... not that you care.
• i made my football picks for this weekend. last weekend started out great -- i think i had 6 of the first 7 games right. then the rest of the day happened. if i don't do better this week, i'm going to try choosing teams by coin flip next week ... and i bet i'll do better.
• barry bonds got his first home run tonight since returning to the team. 704. what a dream boat. oops, did i say that out loud?
• alexis is ready to pop. her due date is a few days before kimmy's ... and she's ready. i can't wait for our babies to play together. although, for the first several months, play might not be the right word. i can't wait for them to sit next to each other and cry and mess their diapers simultaneously. then, after that, maybe they'll play.
• joanne is getting here on tuesday. kimmy's keeping her thighs tightly pressed together so that the baby doesn't come before her mom arrives. we'll see how well that works ... but i have a feeling it won't be a problem. i'm torn about picking her up at the airport ... i don't want to leave kim and am tempted to take joanne up on her offer of taking the airporter. but then again, if she goes into labor while i'm gone, i can't picture a CHP officer who wouldn't let me slide once he saw that he was dealing with a father and grandma rushing home for the birth. we'll see.

so that's about it. sorry it took so long for an update. pretty boring stuff. but you were riveted ... weren't you?

The Schott Heard Around the World

i hate golf.

it's such a cruel game ... it gets in your head and ruins your confidence ... it's about 100,000% harder than the pros make it look ... and it's the only sport that makes the average guy pay a nice chunk of change to engage in a couple hours of self torture.

but there's something about it that keeps you coming back. today is a perfect case in point.

yesterday i went out to the tayman park course here in town and shot a nice relaxed 18 holes with the course pretty much to myself. i was relaxed and unconcerned with my score. i used the time as good therapy ... taking a break from work, worries, and crazy decisions i'm dealing with. i focused only on keeping my swing nice, slow, relaxed.

i went out again today and paired up with a couple different groups as i made my way around the course. i had a few decent shots, but some of the old competitiveness and frustration creeped in. before i knew it i was standing over each ball in the tee box with self-defeating thoughts in my head. "my grip doesn't feel right," "it's going to go right," "was that the tenth or eleventh ball i've lost today?"

so for the most part, it was the exact opposite of yesterday, and by the 18th hole i was ready to take a chunk out of the golf cart with my pitching wedge. so i stand at the tee, elevated about 100 feet above the fairway, a dogleg right with bare dirt and trees between me and the ideal landing spot. as was getting to be my habit today, i shanked my tee shot to the right. it somehow cleared the dirt and trees, but was somewhere in the rough between the 18th fairway and the 3rd green.

the guy i was playing with hit a perfect drive - a bomb down the middle that left him with 80 or 90 yards to the pin. as he drove his cart over to his ball, i finally found mine in the shaggy grass way off to the right about 160 yards from the green with a tree with leafy branches overhanging right between me and where i wanted to be. i couldn't even see the green from where i was.

and then it happened. i walked up to the ball, took a little practice waggle, and had a rip at the ball with a 7-iron.

instead of going over the tree (which, i admit, was what i was trying to do), the ball started off really low and fast, screaming right underneath the overhanging leaves. if you've ever swung a golf club you can probably picture the kind of shot i'm talking about. it stayed on a low trajectory for the first 50 yards or so, then started climbing with backspin, on a perfectly straight line toward the flag. i ran up a little knoll to where i could see the green. i couldn't believe it when the ball thunked onto the green about 10 feet short of the flag and bounced softly toward the hole. the greens were pretty fast today, though, and the ball ended up rolling past the hole and down the slope, finally settling in the back fringe about 20 feet away.

nevertheless, it was the shot of my life, without question. but what made it even better was that, after my partner miffed his approach and three-putted to a double-bogey, i drained my putt for birdie, shrugged like it happened all the time, and walked to my car.

do you see now why this is such a cruel game?

He Found Nemo

pretty soon this blog is going to turn into a baby picture fest ... so before Hannah arrives i thought i'd get you primed up with one of our other favorite babies. here's Jacob and his jackass father at the aquarium.

My Daughter the Basketball

there's really no better way to describe it. you can't call it a swelling anymore ... can't call it a bulge ... now that kimmy has "dropped," it really looks and feels like a perfectly round basketball in her belly.

i can't believe that we're less than three weeks away from having a little girl. wow. i think the reality might finally be setting in. in a matter of days we're going to be responsible for a life. we're going to be the key shapers of her worldview, her self-confidence. we're going to be in charge of making sure she's happy, healthy, and good to others. i know this is nothing new. this has been the responsibility of parents since there have been sperm and ova ... since adam and eve or bobo and jingles (depending on your creationist vs. evolutionary leanings). i only hope that we can do the best by her.

in related news, i've been doing a whole lot of thinking about how i'm going to make sure that hannah never wants for anything. a key part of that is financial. every business decision i make from now on is not a decision that effects just me, or just me and kim. there is a lot of opportunity staring me in the face right now ... some day i'll tell you all about it ... and i hope like hell that i can make the right choices in the coming weeks and months.

on a far more straightforward note, barry bonds will at least pinch hit in the series coming up against the cubs in san francisco. i don't care what anyone says about 'roids or his ego or anything else. it's just plain entertaining to watch him play. despite all the controversy and supposition, he's still the best home run hitter to ever play the game, and probably one of the top 5 most dominant figures in the history of professional sports ... and i feel lucky to have been able to see him play as much as i have ... and to have the chance to see more.

how do you like that? a little baby talk, business talk, and baseball talk -- all in one post. beat that ian ... and have fun at the game tonight ... bastard.

Should I Get My Hopes Up?

of course not. but it is pretty cool that the giants picked up a game on everyone else ahead of them in the NL West tonight. in fact, they passed the d-backs and are now actually in third place in the "NL Worst."

i still don't expect them to go anywhere ... and even if they did, how far could any team from this division go into the postseason ... but at least it looks like they'll at least make it a lot more fun for their fans to watch them down the stretch.

rumor has it that barry will be in uniform and with the team next week. perhaps a pinch hitting appearance? i don't know. but that would ratchet up the entertainment value for sure.